if trees kept journals

Malaise

2011-10-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

Loathe to do what needs to be done
Mired
What is it about "shoulds"
Even those you really don't mind doing
That seem insurmountable mountains
When you're lounging at the bottom
Without a sherpa

Mid-Week 4, Couch to 5K Training

2011-04-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

I think my weather miracle is over, but my Underarmor is keeping me very comfortable.

5K Training, Week 4

2011-04-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

1) I’m starting week 4 even though I had 3 sessions already this week…and even though I said I wasn’t going to do that anymore. Here’s my justification: I didn’t run YESTERDAY (and therefore had a rest day) and today is Sunday, which some calendars use as the first day of the week. This week, I'm using that calendar! :)
2) I’m deviating from the Couch to 5K schedule I found online to accommodate the fact that I’m using my blackberry as a timer and it’s a PITA to keep setting different timer amounts. So I just kept the 90 second timer on and made everything match up with that increment, in varying multiples.
3) I think I found my cadence. I hit a stride so comfortable (and so slow!) that I felt like I could have kept it up for quite some time. I’ll probably have to throw some sprints in later to make sure I’m challenging my body, but for now, this feels nice!

Total session time today: = 36 minutes (18 walked, 18 run)
6 minute warmup
3 minute run
90 second walk
6 minute run
3 minute walk
3 minute run
90 second walk
6 minute run
6 minute cooldown

I'm a Runner!

2011-04-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today was my last scheduled run of week 3 of th Couch to 5K program which I printed off this webpage.

Kimspiration (my weight management coach) keeps calling me "runner girl" and I'm starting to believe it.

I got up at 7 (even though I didn't get to sleep til 3 last night) and geared up (got new cold-weather gear at the Underarmor outlet!) I went down and had a great run on the beach. It felt right and natural to do so (it was a sunny morning with zero wind so my weather miracle continues) and I enjoyed it greatly.

I guess it's true...I'm a runner!

Starting Week 3 of 5K Training

2011-04-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

1) I'm still doing it!
2) I haven't gotten rained on yet. Have I mentioned I live in Oregon?!? I think it must be some kind of weather miracle.
3) I LOVE dogs. But not when I'm running. Its just in their nature to be keenly interested in rapidly moving creatures...or in my case, slowly-moving creatures exhibiting spastic signs of distress. Even the smallest, mildest dog yapping madly and lunging at me makes me wet my pants.

How It Feels To Have Lost over 150 Pounds

2011-04-25T14:02:00.000-07:00

It's weird to be me inside this body
I was over 300 lbs.
and now I'm a size 12.

I was born over 10 lbs. and was NEVER a normal size.
MY WHOLE LIFE WAS SPENT OVERWEIGHT.

I never expected to get here...to "normal."
I did it the hard way, the way I thought I couldn't
because it was too hard, I'd be too hungry
I could never stick to it
and for 43 years that was true - I couldn't
Was I not ready? Was it not my time?
What factors were present (or removed) in my 43rd year
that were different that those preceding it?

My body has changed but my mind hasn't completely caught up.
I'm on the jetway boarding a plane and I'm still rehearsing my request for a seatbelt extender
I'm getting on the ferris wheel and I'm worried about exceeding weight limits
I still feel like the biggest person in the room
I browse racks of mens sweats with sizes in the X's and think they will fit me
I begin to worry in a crowded aisle that I won't be able to pass
I'm approaching the amphitheater and still fret when I see narrow turnstiles
I imagine the thin girls are judging me
but now I imagine the heavy ones are too

The changes are most noticable from the outside

inside I still feel mostly like me
except when I'm going up stairs
or moving through this world whose gravity seems to have lessened
when I feel my collarbones standing out sharply at attention
when I cross my arms around me and can pat myself on the back
When I catch a glance of the stranger in the mirror
or when I put on clothes that look impossibly small, and they fit
or are already too big

I used to scoff at people who wanted to lose 5 or 10 pounds
"I could do that in one day," I'd think
but 5 pounds means a lot to me now - at this size it's half a dress size!

On the downside, I'm so cold now
Icily, bitterly cold and missing my layers of protection
Some days not just physically but mentally as well

I miss having someone to commisserate with
without sounding like I'm bragging.
I miss being able to complain about saddle bags without someone reminding me how small they are compared to what they were.

I miss the physical space I took up. I feel somewhat diminished.
People I know well have trouble getting used to the more diminutive me
and are more likely to pat me on the head than the back now...
weird but true!

I miss being able to make fat jokes.
My self-deprecating humor comes across strangely now.
I miss being able to eat anything I wanted
and not constantly counting-journalling-worrying-banking-burning-repaying calories.

I don't miss these things enough to go back to being 300 pounds - ever!
But it's important enough to mention...

Life doesn't get perfect when you lose the weight.
It just gets easier to climb over the hills and up out of the valleys :)

Mid-week 2, Couch to 5K

2011-04-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

I got new shoes!!!

They're Asics, I don't know the specs but I went down to Gallaghers and they fitted me, watched me run (no pronation), and had me out the door in half an hour. A hundred bucks lighter, but I'm sure my feet and knees will thank me.

Snuck in an Extra Run

2011-04-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

I got all full of myself and added an extra run with both extra time and extra mileage. Trying to make up for the fact that I'd been baking for days for a charity bake sale and eating lots of junk.

Now I'm sore and achey and wishing I hadn't. Then I saw Yolanda at the bake sale (running guru) and she spoke sternly to me on the following topics:

1) Never go off the reservation. Stick to the training schedule like your life depended on it. Overdoing it is the #1 reason new runners get hurt and/or quit.
2) Gets some running shoes (this in response to my mention of the 5-year-old-tennies I'd been wearing thus far.)
3) Don't worry about how slow you go. In fact, slow down summore! Now there's some advice I can dig into!

5K Training Day 3

2011-04-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

End of week one, yay me!
My reflections:
1) I'm done with the session before it seems like it should be time.
2) Mostly during the running parts, I'm constantly counting down the seconds til I can stop. Today, just for a few moments, I FORGOT I WAS RUNNING!
3) The slightest incline seems steep when you're trying to run it. Who knew there was a giant hill in front of Whiteaker school? It's invisible from a car!

5K Training Day 2

2011-04-23T12:42:00.000-07:00

1) It's cold outside in April in Oregon at 6:30 AM.
2) The many layers I wore to battle the cold are uncomfortably warm at the end of the "run."
3) I'm having a hard time calling this "running" but I hate the term jogging.

Reflections on Week 1 of Couch to 5K Training

2011-04-22T12:24:00.000-07:00

Sixty seconds is a short time on the couch but stretches out pretty long the first time you try to run it.

Better Than Sex!

2011-04-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

How cool is it to leave the house stiff and tired and bloaty and slightly hungover and return warm and loose and sweaty and blissful? End of week one...learning to run.

I Feel Like Talking

2010-10-13T16:10:00.000-07:00

I feel like talking today,
the kind of talking I know no one cares about
just rambling really

about the steampunk bird I saw in an airport shop
or what kind of cupcakes I want to bake
or how bored I am with the things I ought to be doing right now.

It's not like I have no one to talk to
but really, there's not one soul I can imagine would be interested
that's what journals are for I guess

2010-08-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

Days when light triumphs
over the darkness in me:
Personal Solstice

2010-07-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

Undereye circles
Bruised traces of unshed tears
Each day leaves its mark

Moon Haiku #812

2010-07-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

waning gibbous moon
my poems to you unheeded
drawn-out desertion

2010-07-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

Storm clouds choke the sky
More darkness in people than
The sun can dispel

2010-07-22T08:02:00.000-07:00

Holly mine, divine,
aptly named prickly beauty,
my love evergreen

BrainFog

2010-07-08T10:50:00.000-07:00

Summer steams outside

yet i wander aimlessly

in mist shrouded fog.

Instructions En Pointe

2010-07-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

i must tiptoe around it and never speak of it aloud

this providential mistaken identity which has landed on me

hush my celebrations

- if the powers should notice

someone might change their mind

and return me to my normal programming

i must never disregard it or take it for granted

never stop being grateful in my heart

because of course it can't last forever

i’ll let it glow through me

but dust off the sparkles if anyone looks too closely

any attention may bring unwanted scrutiny

it’s so obviously undeserved

i must revel in it quietly

bathe it in til the bubbles burst

luck this beautiful should be savored

and before someone realizes they gave it to the wrong person

i'll happily relish it - in secret, and on tiptoe

Away & Back

2010-06-17T07:08:00.000-07:00

It's beautiful here in so many ways
the lightning shocks the sky in electric waves
and you can drink the air like warm tea

Away from the pressure of years of sameness
away from hundreds of people with a firm idea of who I am
there’s a freedom here I can’t get in my hometown

But after just a few days, I miss that life
The texture of the silence is less satisfying here
the sky is too big and the trees are too round

Former irritations become nostalgic in the traveler-mind
My unkempt backyard and domestic chores,
even work demands take on a rosy retrospect halo.

There I chafe at the pigeonhole I feel shrinking in around me year-by-year
Here I miss how well my real life “knows” me
and envelopes me like a comfortable protective second-skin.

My wife sends me a text message to “stay in the moment.”
She means it as a reminder to pay attention to schedules and directions.
In a wider context, it’s a good manifesto for the rest of my life.

I should bottle the freedom I feel here
and apply it every morning like perfume
enjoy the things I love (and at least be present for the things I don’t.)

I’ll remember to be anyone I want to be despite what’s expected
I will breathe in the silence and breathe out the craving
to get away to somewhere "new"

when whereever I am can feel new at anytime
if I just determine it to be.
I’ll remember how lucky I am to BE at all.

I’ll be glad to get back home,
but for now I’m content to be
-right here- too.

Joshua

2010-06-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

Entirely against all probability,
he's sweetness walking.
With everything to lose,
he offers himself freely.

The story of his past
is stacked in loose piles of sticks
spelling out a message that he will be slow to trust
maybe even incapable of forging bonds.

Instead, he presses his small, warm body against me
- an erstwhile stranger -
conforms to the curve of my chest,
breathes his soft doggy sighs close to my heart,
and makes his mark irrevocably there.

2010-05-10T19:57:00.000-07:00

I hear them crying
even when no one else hears.
The trees are dying.

2010-05-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

~ Fickle sometimes-friend ~
~ Passion in bursts, then recoil ~
~ My motivation ~

2010-05-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

~ Chubby, capable ~
~ Artistic, sure, expressive ~
~ My hands are blessings ~

I Ate the World

2010-04-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

I ate the World today.
Not really a binge - I justify -
because I didn’t eat a lot of any one continent.
But I surrendered to an anonymous fickle hunger;
blind-folded and willing taste-tester of planets.

I ate like an empty person
trying to fill up
not sure exactly where the leak was
but certain I could stuff it up with pistachios
if I ate them quickly enough to bind.

I ate like a person trying to cover up a tattoo
smearing on denial like makeup
pretending no one could see how deeply my skin is scored
by years of shell-building
and other ill-considered cheese grater decisions.

I ate like the act could change reality -
like each bite could be basted into my cloak of invisibility
over the atrophied limbs of my creativity
wasted from spending too many years strapped in a chair
where the main challenge given me
is juggling seventy-two-thousand dusty details
without letting anyone see my arms move.

I ate the Whole World today
(and drank some of it too.)
I didn’t do it in a cloud of self-doubt and reproach,
but in a probing, searching, grasping way.
In a hungry-for-something-if-only-I-could-identify-it way.
In a way I thought was behind me and evidently isn't.
I still can’t regret, it even so.

Yes, I ate it all.
But as I recall each vacant crunchy sweet salty mouthful,
I see how far I’ve come from the unexamined appetites of my past
that blindly accepted calories over real nourishment
and concealment over bravery
and I find I’m a step further than I was yesterday
from the World eating Me.

Another Friday Haiku

2010-04-23T15:52:00.000-07:00

Anticipation
of weekend relaxation.
Friday elation!

2010-04-19T10:29:00.000-07:00

Photovoltaics,
turbines, reclamation cells.
Life support for Earth.

Moonwink Haiku

2010-04-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

Waning crescent moon
winding down with precision
a slow, saucy wink.

Coming Out of the Compliance Closet

2010-04-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

Oh, people pleaser,

steeped in false humility

gagged, obstructed, stifled, dammed

choked silent by overlings

who want you only so good

but never better

than their apparent

superior strain.

How can you lay there

whored to mediocrity

wasting your luster

patina peeling, rusting

hiding your glimmer.

The time will come when you’re forced

to throw off the yoke

seize reality

declare your godhood

at last, to shine true.

None of your excuses then

-your child self wasn’t nurtured-

-they won’t love you authentic-

-you do what you have to do-

None of that holds sway

when framed in the light

of your last sunset,

you find that being YOURSELF

was the real purpose

and you sold out to avoid

making any waves.

Meditation Haiku

2010-04-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

The point of sitting
is to show the monkey mind
what stillness looks like.

Atoms Haiku

2010-03-30T17:30:00.000-07:00

In this quiet room
the space between atoms speaks
softly to my soul.

Peace Haiku

2010-03-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

Peace whispers to me
but is hard to hear above
the volume of war.

Tech Haiku

2010-03-30T11:41:00.000-07:00

Reliance on tech
means little is accomplished
when network is down.

Adopt Haiku

2010-03-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Lonely? Need a friend?
Companion ~ soulmate ~ true love?
Shelter dog awaits...

Blessings Haiku

2010-03-29T13:50:00.001-07:00

Thankful for small things
Sweet song on car radio
Sunshiney March drive

Eternity Haiku

2010-03-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

Eternity mark:
Haiku syllables add up
to the number eight!

2010-03-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

Bitter Monday morn
Vicious daylight savings time
Sleep slain and I mourn

2010-03-12T08:00:00.000-08:00

HAVE TO disconnect
tweetdeck facebook email blog
ZERO work gets done!

Written FOR My Sweetheart

2010-03-11T10:58:00.000-08:00

Late morning kisses
I love her sharp coffee breath
Sweet acidity

Written For Me By My Sweetheart!~

2010-03-11T10:56:00.000-08:00

I feel the empty
eight hours without my right arm
My seed lies in wait

2010-03-04T09:34:00.000-08:00

Cried for my brother
Spilled latte on my keyboard
Thursday morning blues

2010-03-03T12:24:00.000-08:00

Purposefully vague
is far better than lying
in dealings with gods.

Again With the Dog Haiku

2010-03-03T11:51:00.000-08:00

Dog woke me again.
It was 4:20 A.M.
Universe speaking?

Early Morning Haiku

2010-03-02T16:20:00.000-08:00

My dog woke me up
to go out at 4:20.
I wish I smoked pot.

Revelation Haiku

2010-03-02T14:37:00.000-08:00

Everyone loves Her.
I know her special secret.
Betty White is God.

My Stories

2010-03-01T09:14:00.000-08:00

My mental movies distract me from my work.
All the dramas seem to be about me.
I write them out and share them with a faceless "you"
and wonder who would be interested in my interior landscape.

It's of major interest to me of course...
but can you see yourself
in these lines?

Do we connect at all
or am I as isolated as I feel
here in my quiet office
with my work heaped up all around me?

Haiku 4 - Full Moon Tonight

2010-02-28T21:52:00.001-08:00

Triple reflection
glows in moonlit window glass.
Pregnant trinity.

Growth

2010-02-26T16:25:00.000-08:00

I finally prevented every frantic thought from bursting from my lips
I finally resisted building borders for her based on my own neuroses
I finally stopped myself from spooling out what-if stories
that ramp up my negativity and swell the flood of my panic
wherein if I don't direct its every tide, the entire universe will breach its walls
and I might be forced to confront the tsunami of my own issues
of distrust
of abandonment
of un-worth
It only took me a thousand years
to gain a degree control over my jealousy
to harness my fretful insecurity
to ratchet down my fear to a tolerable level
To what extent I can maintain
restrain
contain
is a long uneven platform.
It took me this long to take one shuddering step.
The route ahead is uncertain.
But I can be grateful for every opportunity to grow
I can be brave and trust my love to keep me safe
I can rest in the unknown that surrounds even the most convinced
without lining out my ultimatums against the day
that all my darkly spun predictions materialize.
I can take the next step on faith.

Gratitude

2010-02-23T12:41:00.000-08:00

Some are of auspicious origin
from families steeped in infinite wealth.
My birth offered no promise of inheritance
to anything but obligation.
I'll take it.

Some grow to be powerful -
their influence reaching like octopus arms.
I have control over nothing but myself
and even that's limited.
I'm okay with it.

Some are so beautiful it hurts
and so talented they take my breath away.
I am plump and pedestrian
and averagely plain.
I revel in it.

Some would look at my life;
completely overlook my many blessings,
scorn my everyday pleasures,
and disdain my mediocrity.
I'm sorry for them.

I know my fortune lies in the awareness -
in the wonder and marvel at how truly fortunate I am -
in the deep appreciation I feel
for the gift of each. miraculous. moment.
I choose my own, beautiful reality.

Some want only what they don't have
and don't value what they do have.
I know I've been given everything I need and more.
Of all the luck...
I'll take mine.

Breathe

2010-02-22T09:01:00.000-08:00

I want to immortalize my love for you in a poem or a song,
but I'm not sure how.

When I ask myself what you mean to me,
it's like asking what my skin means to me
or my arms or my legs.

It's like asking how I feel about the fact that I'm allowed to breathe in
every few seconds.

I need it desperately. I can't live without it. It allows me to be who I am.
It's beautiful, satisfying, and feels so right.
I'm possessive and I guard it, aware of how I need it.
It's such a part of me that I often take it for granted.
When I remember to be, I'm so incredibly grateful.

So I guess here's your poem.
I love you more than breathing.

Creativity

2010-02-19T10:30:00.000-08:00

I did some research for my blogging group on good sites to raise your creativity quotient. For myself, a writing assignment usually does it, but some of these great sites can help as well.

Writing Prompts

http://pymprompts.blogspot.com/

http://weeklywritingassignment.com/

http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/

http://www.creativity-portal.com/howto/writing/writing.prompts.html

http://danielnester.com/2010/02/09/78-blog-writing-prompts-from-my-blogging-students-2/ (just for fun)

http://www.dailyblogtips.com/

http://www.timetowrite.blogs.com/

http://mindbump.com/

http://thedailymeme.com/ (If you’re not familiar with memes, read http://www.chrisg.com/what-is-a-blog-meme/ )

Good Creativity Blog Lists

http://www.blogs.com/topten/10-blogs-to-stimulate-your-creativity/

http://abundance-blog.marelisa-online.com/2009/01/29/awesome-creativity-blogs/

Limited Disclaimer: I don’t believe any of these sites have adult content – at least last time I visited.

Flow

2010-02-18T15:26:00.000-08:00

the words are flowing again
not in straight lines; never in straight lines
i struggle to get in the habit of catching them...
they're cottonwood fluff balls
wafting by on hot summer days
i try to snatch them out of the air
like mr miagi with his chopsticks

Haiku 3 - "Middle" Age?

2010-02-16T15:34:00.000-08:00

The almanac lied.
Autumn began at forty.
Falling apart fast.

Haiku 2 - Plateau

2010-02-15T12:41:00.000-08:00

The stubborn scale mocks:
Time for thin is after death.
I hunger in vain.

Barrows

2010-02-12T08:48:00.000-08:00

If I let it, the snow piles and drifts.
So deep, and deeper.
So cold, til it’s warm.
So silent, my underground mausoleum tomb.

When I’m in, I can perceive no way out.
When I’m out, the way back is ever clear.
So tempting, I yearn.
So enticing, the dampening shield of protective womb.

Even in spring thaw
so warm in its bright yellow light,
the quiet of sun’s rays ensnare
to lay me out dry on a grassy hill of silence.

Even when immersed in sound – in busy – in bustle
I hear its soundless call.
Voiceless, I understand.
Murmuring and hushed, I attend the better.

I could be lured back by circumstance or pain.
By inattention or carelessness.
In truth, I could be drawn in by floating motes
disguised as secret longing
to be covered in snow.

Haiku 1 - Commute

2010-02-11T17:09:00.000-08:00

Dreary wet freeway
I race on toward warmth and love
Home, my asylum

Melting

2010-02-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

“You’re melting” someone said.
It was intended as a compliment
and I dutifully thanked her but in reality I have felt my presence diminish.
I take up less space in the world with this body.
What will be left in its’ place?
As I whittle down the outer shell, literally,
I get figuratively closer
to the crystallized center of me
I soften
become quieter
truer to my nature
I don’t have to be loud funny boisterous cheerful entertaining.
I don't have to show how insanely happy with myself I am
to keep them from feeling sorry for me.
I can be diminished and go into the west, I guess.
And remain Ronda.